Stubborn Ignorant Teen Vegetarian Stepdaughter

September 18th, 2010 by Savvy Veg

Message for Savvy Vegetarian: My stepdaughter is vegetarian in the most ignorant, stubborn teenager way.

I have no problem with her eating a sensible vegetarian diet with lentils, chickpeas, quinoa or whatever it takes to keep her energy levels high, maybe some leafy greens for folate, even supplements if needed. I have a lot of problem with her just skipping meat and eating almost nothing.

My partner is worried she is undernourished, too skinny, low in energy and has bad moods because of her diet. I think he is probably right but I don’t think the problem is being vegetarian. The problem is being ignorant.

My SD does not like to read or do research. I have bought her several vegetarian cook books and given her all mine (I like to sometimes eat vegetarian even if I am not commited to it and don’t want to be). I have printed and photocopied recipes for her, emailed her and her father recipes and all to no avail. 

She has anxiety disorder, control issues, hates me (I am her stepmother after all and she’s been through a lot) and can barely read so she is not able to process the information on her own and does not want to do it with me.

Her dad gets angry if I try to involve him. He does not want to learn about vegetarian diet or help her cook. He wants me to do it, but he is not willing to help. I think if I were to show him a bit of what I know my SD would be willing to learn too.

I loved your tips on vegetarians and non-vegetarians eating together. That’s pretty much how we got through Christmas (a roast made from cashews and macadamia nuts costs even more than turkey…but at least people liked it.) Whenever I cook I make sure there is some vegetarian food as well as meat.

I got my SD a slow cooker for her birthday. I thought it would be useful to her to throw things in it and come home to a decent dinner. I thought she would be reassured by having her own cooking pot that had never cooked meat. I researched many simple and more elaborate recipes she could do and put them in a folder for her (this was how I found Savvy Vegetarian). She has not used any of the recipes or tried out her pot (it’s been months) because her dad is really not on side.

This kid is surviving on packet pasta with the odd tin of beans or frozen veg and far too many chocolate bars and junk food. I get shouted down by both if I say anything. Apparently getting the facts straight is me “putting her off” the few foods she will eat.

I don’t know how to get them to come to Savvy Vegetarian and find some stuff out, but I think her psychiatrist recommended she see a dietician which is a good thing!!

Hi S. R. Thanks for writing. It’s great that one of you knows something about vegetarian diet. It would be nice if the vegetarian and her Dad did too.

It’s hard when you live with a problem and can see the solution, but can’t convince anyone who needs convincing. And it’s sad but true that the more you push the less likely it is to happen, especially since your stepdaughter hates you, and your partner is a vegaphobe – and a guy!

At least her therapist has recommended a dietitian. That could help Dad become aware of the nutritional issues, and take more responsibility for her diet. A supplement which includes B12 and Vit D would be a great idea, if you could get him to buy it and her to take it.  A dietitian might have better luck.

I don’t know many parents who have succeeded in forcing their teens to eat properly. SHE has to want to, then it’ll happen, and YOU can’t make her get to that point. She’s made that clear by refusing to use the crockpot or cookbooks you’ve given her.

Many teens have worse diets and survive. She’ll grow up and figure things out, or not, but meanwhile, there’s no point in aggravating yourself or her.

My advice is to continue for now with what has worked for you – making delicious nutritious things that everyone will enjoy when you have the chance – and otherwise stay out of it. Don’t drop helpful hints, hand out reading assignments, nag, or lecture. Hard not to, I know, but do it for the sake of your relationship with your partner.

Maintain a calm, serene, pleasantly detached facade and keep your lip zipped. Generously offer to share your wonderful food, but don’t show that you’re offended when they don’t.

Try to stick with easy kid friendly recipes. I haven’t met anyone, veg or non-veg, who doesn’t like these easy recipes, and they’ll give her the calories and protein she needs: pasta tofu & veg, tofu burgers, or black bean quesadillas, hummus wraps, guacamole & corn chips, fruit salad, veggies & dip, or carrot salad.

She could make these simple vegetarian recipes  easily herself, if she wanted to, when you’re not around. But don’t mention that – let her make the first move. Leave one or two extra servings in the fridge or freezer for Dad to feed her – not too many; scarcity creates demand.

If they ask you about anything veg, say the minimum necessary, then drop the subject. They’ll come ’round – eventually. And you’ll be well on the way to sainthood!

All the best, Judith Kingsbury, Savvy Vegetarian

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The World Water Crisis – Raising Our Water Consciousness

October 15th, 2010 by Savvy Veg

In Fairfield IA, where I live, the city draws water from the Jordan Aquafer, and maintains a good sewer system which they are constantly upgrading. We pay for our water, but we can afford it, it’s clean, and it comes hot and cold out of taps in our house. An under-sink filter gets out the chlorine, any impurities, and the sulfur taste.

I was washing dishes the other day, and started thinking about all the ways I use water. Here’s what I did with water yesterday:

My husband and I each had a 5 minute shower, brushed our teeth twice, and flushed the toilet about a dozen times between us

It was a cleaning day, so I washed my car, washed the floors, did 3 large loads of laundry

I picked and washed 3 bunches of greens, cooked three meals and washed the dishes once by hand

We drank 1.5 gallons of water between us

I don’t know exactly how many gallons of water we used yesterday, but I’m sure it was close to 100.

Not a typical day, water wise – usually no laundry or cleaning, but still, clearly we use a luxurious amount of water in our day-to-day lives. We have low flow faucets, showerheads and toilets, turn off the water while we brush, fix water leaks, don’t water our lawn or garden, never drink bottled water, eat a vegan diet, don’t own cell phones or buy much stuff, but we could do a lot more to conserve water. I know that.

The thought rarely crosses our minds that we could ever get sick from our water. Compared to people living where water is scarce and polluted, we are extremely fortunate.

Contrast our water situation with that of most people in the world!

Water.org has a few sobering facts about water usage in the developing world, where much of the world’s human population lives.

The water and sanitation crisis claims more lives through disease than any war claims through guns.On average, women in developing countries walk 3.7 miles a day to collect water.When rain falls from the sky it’s free. To move it where families need it costs money or time.We know how to bring people clean water and improved sanitation. We’re not waiting for a magic cure. And the solutions are simple and cost-effective. On average, every $1 US dollar invested in water & sanitation provides an economic return of $3-34 US dollars.In just one day, women around the world spend more than 200 MILLION HOURS collecting water. This lost productivity is greater than the combined number of hours worked in a week by employees at Wal*Mart, United Parcel Service, McDonald’s, IBM, Target, and Kroger

It’s true that if we all conserved water better, didn’t eat meat, drink bottled water or buy a lot of manufactured goods, our own North American water future would be more secure, but it probably wouldn’t have much of an impact on the daily water realities of people in Africa, India and other places in water crisis. 

We have it in our power to improve the lives of those people dramatically, simply by donating a few dollars toward digging wells, or sanitizing the water that’s already available. Most of us will see that as a good thing to do, just on humanitarian principles.

But some of us might wonder, ”How can helping to improve water quality in Africa improve the quality of our lives in America?”

If you’re one of the “some”, I won’t waste your time explaining the laws of karma, the interconnectedness of all things, the golden rule, human rights, blah blah blah. But consider this:

Suppose lots of people in developing countries get wells in their villages and get on with living their lives instead of spending hours every day fetching a few gallons of bad water, then getting sick and dying? Suppose the adults could spend their time improving their lot in life, and were healthy enough to sustain those efforts, and the kids could go to school and get educated to do more useful things than carry water?

The economic condition of the people in that village and lots of other places would improve, right? Entrepreneurial Americans could surely turn that to their advantage in countless ways!

So whatever world view you embrace, it’s worth your while to help improve water quality in developing countries.

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Vegetarian, Non-Veg Mom, Birthday Party Menu Planning

September 23rd, 2010 by Savvy Veg

Message for Savvy Vegetarian:

I’m vegetarian, my 21st Birthday is in January and I’m planning a big party which my non-veg mum is very keen to have and pay for.

Birthday Party Menu Planning: I would love for the food at my birthday party to be ovo-lacto vegetarian with lots of vegan options, but I didn’t think my mum would like that very much. About 10 of the guests would be vegetarian or vegan, and I’ve found a local vegetarian caterer.

I asked my dad, also a vegetarian, if he thought my mum would mind having a vegetarian party menu and he said he didn’t think so, but I spoke to my mother about it last night and I was right, she isn’t keen, saying it might come across as self-centred. She comes from a country where meat is a real status symbol.

Even at home in Australia, barely a family party goes by without a whole roast pig on the table. I know some of my guests, even the non-vegetarians, would find that confronting. When I cook for my close friends it is always vegetarian and they make fun of me but are happy to eat it.

Is it unreasonable for me to want a vegetarian birthday party menu? My parents are paying for it after all. I could let my mum cook a bit of non-veg food. Really that’s not what I would prefer but if I must compromise, I must.

If it is NOT unreasonable to have a vegetarian party, do you have any advice on helping my mum be okay with my idea? I’d hate for her to be sour about it, but I do want the party to reflect me, and possibly show some of the guests that I eat more than salad and boiled vegetables. Vegetarian food at parties is usually terrible if there is any at all.

Any advice or information would be great. Thank you, K. C.

Savvy Vegetarian Advice:

Veg-non-veg issues are covered in the free report, Veg and Non-Veg Eat Together, and I have answered similiar letters in the relationships veg advice section. But I haven’t come across this exact problem, so I’m happy to give you advice.

My personal view of birthday parties – well, any parties – is that they are held for the guests. As the birthday girl, you should shower love & gratitude on all of your guests who are gathering to celebrate your birthday with you. And so should your parents, as hosts.

It’s very nice of your Mum to want to give you a birthday party. On the other hand, even though she’s paying and hosting, the party is in your honor, so the party menu ideas should make you happy, too. I don’t think that it’s self-centered of you to want your 21st birthday party to reflect who you are to your guests, but the dominant birthday party theme should be that you’re 21 – yay!

So I suggest that you and your Mum compromise and produce a blended party menu plan. I recommend a buffet serving arrangement as the easiest way to do this.

Here are my party menu ideas:

Things To Keep In Mind: Of course, do not expect the vegetarians to “just pick out the meat” from non-veg dishes. And try to accommodate other dietary restrictions among your guests such as diabetic, or food allergies. So have a dessert & main dishes that are sugar-less, egg & dairy & gluten free, and don’t put peanuts in anything!

There should be a good variety of vegetarian and vegan foods, as you are a vegetarian, and 10 of your guests are vegetarians, plus your Dad. But they should be familiar tasty dishes that everybody, both vegetarian and non-veg, will enjoy. If you do that, the non-veggies won’t even notice that the meat is missing and that they are (gasp) eating vegetarian food. You won’t need to announce that these foods are veg, except to the vegetarians.

Some vegetarian party menu ideas: nut loaf with veggie gravy, lasagna, quiche, salads, rice pilaf, soups, breads, fruit, cheese or chocolate based desserts, hummus or guacamole, bowls of roasted nuts, a fruit platter. Of course there are recipes for almost all of the above on Savvy Veg! Avoid tofu and other exotic ingredients such as quinoa or buckwheat, as non-veg don’t usually enjoy them or even know what they are.

There should be a reasonable number of meat based dishes for whatever number of non-veg guests – nothing like a whole roasted hog, or a bloody haunch of beef that will gross out the vegetarians. These non vegetarian foods should be set together separately, or at least pointed out to the vegetarians so they can avoid them. They should be different from the veg dishes in ingredients and appearance (apart from the meat) to avoid confusion and add to the variety of the spread.

A word of caution: This won’t be the best time to introduce your non-veg guests to vegetarianism. At a party, everybody is supposed to enjoy themselves, and it may make your guests uncomfortable if you insist on telling them that you’re vegetarian and all the reasons why. So be diplomatic, spread your birthday magic around, and talk about other things. Maybe your veg friends will agree to do the same.

Hope this helps. Happy 21st birthday!

All the best, Judith Kingsbury, Savvy Vegetarian

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